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Surefire Communication ...by Stan Hyman, PhD, LCSW
All couples argue. Conflict between people who have emotional ties to one another is inevitable. Conflict will arise when people disagree about perceptions, ideas, values and needs no matter how trivial the issue may appear to others.
I counsel a lot of couples in my practice and I have found that one of the most pervasive problems comes out of a partner’s inability to discuss or argue a subject well.
Here are some reasons for this: 1) never learned how to have an appropriate discussion about matters of importance; 2) never learned how to compromise; 3) there is a sense of competition that prevents one or the other from “giving in”, therefore “losing” the fight; 4) and, of course, the ever popular idea that “I am right” and “you are wrong”…period!.
Generally speaking, a couple might start out with what seems like a harmless discussion and before too long they are in an angry fight, neither one listening to the other. They would say that they have a communications problem…and they do.
Partners will prevent themselves from moving forward, creating good communication and better relationships because they get caught up in blaming each other for the breakdown.
Avoid The Blame Game
This is a game we all know. I don’t think there is anyone who can truthfully say that he or she has not played it. It is a game that is addictive and seductive and can cause untold damage to a relationship. It is a game with no winner!
To blame someone is to hold them responsible for something. In general we would all agree that everyone needs to be responsible their behavior.
However, in a relationship blaming often comes out of strong emotions and takes the form of accusations, recriminations and outright attacks. It may be that the partner doing the blaming is correct, however the way the message is conveyed causes the other partner to become defensive.(see my Newsletter on Why Couples Argue).
Try to resist blaming when you are attempting to get your point across. Statements that are accusatory will set your partner up to become defensive almost immediately. If you want cooperation it is in your best interest to engage your partner with more neutral statements and manageable requests.
If the objective is to be heard and the goal is to have better communication, don’t play the blame game. Instead use other strategies outlined in the following article.
Talking Without Bloodshed
If you want to be angry and have a bare knuckle, destructive, bloody verbal battle then simply disregard this article.
However, if you want to create better communication and have a more respectful, satisfying and civilized relationship there are some very clear and helpful strategies you can use. As always the strategies work only if you work them. So read on.
Agree On The Rules: Both partners should go into a discussion with the understanding of the following rules of behavior.
Stay Calm: Overreacting will not help in getting your point across.
Stay Focused: Keep on topic.
Stay Specific: Don’t generalize. Being vague often causes confusion and inaccuracy.
Stay On One Issue: It is often too confusing and counterproductive to address more than one thing at a time. Try to work on one topic until you both agree to change the subject.
Don't Interrupt: Let the other complete a thought and make their point before making your comment.
Don’t Exaggerate: Overstating what the truth is can diffuse a good position.
Don’t Minimize: Respect the other’s concern about a topic even though you might feel it is “no big deal”.
Express Feelings with Grace: Be honest and straightforward without losing your cool.
Don't Attack: The objective is to have a discussion, not a war. If you use “below the belt” tactics the atmosphere will turn ugly and the talk will become ineffective.
Don’t Make Up Facts: Speak the truth,,,,don’t fantasize.
Propose Solutions: Be ready to problem solve, not just “complain”. Ask your partner to brainstorm with you in finding good solutions you can both agree on.
Be Ready to Compromise: A good relationship is based on give and take. Don’t back your partner into a corner by sticking to only one course of action.
Schedule Another Discussion: Get into the habit of talking things through. If you approach difficult issues in this way you will avoid bloody battles and have much better communication.