Most spouses or partners are completely unprepared emotionally when an affair is discovered. The shock is often so profound that they become paralyzed, unable to process just how terrible they really feel. The despair is so deep that it is akin to a sudden death of a loved one.
One wonders how such a thing is even possible. How can a husband, wife or lover whom you have trusted with your deepest feelings betray you? Did you miss something? Were there signs that you chose to neglect? Is it your fault? What is it that causes a partner to become unfaithful and go outside of the relationship?
These are some of the questions the hurt spouse will ask him/herself. At first it may seem almost incomprehensible that such a thing could happen. At first the hurt spouse might even say that there were no clues, no indication that things weren’t right; that the unfaithful spouse was dissatisfied or unhappy.
What often emerges however, after the hurt spouse has had some time to reflect, is a different picture of how things actually were in the relationship. The marriage, perhaps idealized by the hurt spouse, had flaws. There may have been distance, disconnection and monotony. There may have been days, weeks or even months without true affection, meaningful conversations or shared joy. There may have been reasons that were overlooked.
To better understand infidelity and the reasons partners become unfaithful the University of Chicago took surveys of partners over a period of about 12 years. (1990-2002). Although reasons vary from person to person, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that dissatisfaction in the marriage (relationship), and/or in oneself is the overriding issue and the number one reason given for infidelity.
Relationships, like so many things, start off with the best of intentions. There are great expectations and the hope that each partner will be able to continue to fulfill those expectations even as the marriage goes through life’s transitions. When needs are not being met and one partner feels like the other does not value them the scene is set for a potential infidelity.
Here are some dynamics that might lead to a betrayal.
Communication is constricted or even halted. Meaningful conversations no longer take place. One partner may feel the need to talk while the other just shuts down.
Separate lives. Perhaps both partners simply drift apart and “do their own thing”. They may take separate vacations, have friends the other partner knows nothing about and learn to enjoy themselves as if they were single.
Poor intimacy. Partners may feel emotionally disconnected, not feeling the loving support of the other. Sex is uninteresting and infrequent.
Hostility, resentment or anger. Partners may harbor resentment and not be willing to process or understand it. Instead he/she lets the negative feelings fester into a seething sense of hostility.
Not focusing on the relationship. Spending most of one’s time and energy on other things: e.g.; children, work, friends or hobbies, thereby neglecting one’s spouse.
Boredom. The excitement that once stimulated the relationship is gone and neither spouse is trying hard enough to restore it.
Other reasons that unfaithful spouses have given for their infidelity vary. They can include: financial pressures, jealousy of the other spouse, fear of growing old and feeling trapped. These are personal issues that, if the relationship were sound, could very well have been worked out without resorting to infidelity.
The best deterrent to infidelity is creating a healthy marriage where needs are being met and the couple enjoys each other’s friendship. In this environment each partner can speak freely and be heard by the other. (See my Newsletter on High Performance Couples).
